Everything has turned sour$$$ I'll never be carried away with joy again. There's a terrible clarity dominating everything. As though the world were made of crystal so that you only have to flick part of it with your fingernail for a tiny shudder to run through it all. And then the loneliness$$$ it's something that burns. Like hot thick soup you can't bear inside your mouth unless you blow on it again and again. And there it is$$$ always in front of me. In its heavy white bowl of thick china$$$ dirty and dull as an old pillow. Who is it that keeps forcing it on me? I've been left all alone. I'm burning with desire. I hate what's happened to me. I'm lost and I dont know where I'm going. What my heart wants it can't have. My little private joys$$$ rationalizations$$$ self-deceptions$$$ all gone! All I have left is a flame of longing for times gone by$$$ for what I've lost. Growing old for nothing. I'm left with a terrible emptiness. What can life offer me but bitterness? Alone in my room alone all through the nights$$$ cut off from the world and from everyone in it by my own despair. And if I cry out$$$ who is there to hear me?
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