When I arrived at the house in the suburbs that night I seriously contemplated suicide for the first time in my life. But as I thought about it$$$ the idea became exceedingly tiresome$$$ and I finally decided it would be a ludicrous business. I had an inh

When I arrived at the house in the suburbs that night I seriously contemplated suicide for the first time in my life. But as I thought about it$$$ the idea became exceedingly tiresome$$$ and I finally decided it would be a ludicrous business. I had an inherent dislike of admitting defeat. Moreover$$$ I told myself$$$ there's no need for me to take such decisive action myself$$$ not when I'm surrounded by such a bountiful harvest of death: death in an air raid$$$ death at one's post of duty$$$ death in the military service$$$ death on the battlefield$$$ death from being run over$$$ death from disease. Surely my name has already been entered in the list for one of these: a criminal who has been sentenced to death does not commit suicide. No$$$ no matter how I considered$$$ the season was not auspicious for suicide. Instead I was waiting for something to do me the favor of killing me. And this$$$ in the final analysis$$$ is the same as to say that I was waiting for something to do me the favor of keeping me alive.