At the age of fifty he was beginning to discover$$$ with a sense of panic$$$ that his whole life had been in the nature of a hangover$$$ with faintly unpleasant pleasures being atoned for by the dull unalleviated pain of guilt. Had he the solace of knowin

At the age of fifty he was beginning to discover$$$ with a sense of panic$$$ that his whole life had been in the nature of a hangover$$$ with faintly unpleasant pleasures being atoned for by the dull unalleviated pain of guilt. Had he the solace of knowing that he was an alcoholic$$$ things would have been brighter$$$ because he had read somewhere that alcoholism was a disease; but he was not$$$ he assured himself$$$ alcoholic$$$ only self-indulgent$$$ and his disease$$$ whatever it was$$$ resided in shadier corners of his soul where decisions were reached not through reason but by rationalization$$$ and where a thin membranous growth of selfishness always seemed to prevent his decent motives from becoming happy actions.