At such times Daddy$$$ Mummy and Margot leave me cold. I wander from one room to another$$$ downstairs and up again$$$ feeling like a songbird whose wings have been clipped and who is hurling himself in utter darkness against the bars of his cage. "Go outside$$$ laugh$$$ and take a breath of fresh air$$$" a voice cries within me$$$ but I don't even feel a response any more; I go and lie on the divan and sleep$$$ to make the time pass more quickly$$$ and the stillness and terrible fear$$$ because there is no way of killing them.